Seven predictions we know won't go wrong

Now for the next two weeks, we’ll be snuggled in our sofas, watching the stars take a few swings at the Australian Open. But before they do, here are 7 predictions we absolutely know won’t go wrong (cough, cough) this season. 

1. The media will take no responsibility or accountability for the things they write about players no matter how damning or unjust. 

You may not know this but anyone who works in the tennis media in any form has a right to say whatever they like about players, even if it's factually incorrect, and will bear no responsibility for the things they say. This is their God given right and you should not expect them to be accountable or further address the accusations they may make. In fact, how dare you even think to question the things the tennis media may write? Don't you know they have laptops and stuff?

2. The media won't play favorites and villains. 

The media, particularly the US tennis based media, don't have favorites. Believe me, ask Ben Rothenberg. Actually, don't ask him. Well, ask him, but only ask him if you are giving the distinct impression that you agree with him. You'd be silly to ask him a question that may counter his statement, particularly if you provide evidence to back up your claim, that just wouldn't make any sense. Either agree or say nothing. The media are never wrong. And they certainly aren't transparent.

And villains? Are you crazy? The media would never pick on a player, that would just be bullying. The media treat all players the same. Always. No matter what. 

3. The media will cure your aches and pains.

If you were under the impression that the tennis media merely consists of a bunch of people praying for hits and clicks with inflammatory articles and trolling that would belong on the worst of tennis message boards, you were wrong. So wrong. 

When you receive a press pass to cover a tournament that press pass entitles you to a fountain of medical knowledge and expertise. Don't be too concerned with whether a player is telling you they are injured or feeling discomfort. The media will tell you what the real truth is and you shouldn't doubt them. After all you don't have the magic press pass that qualifies you to make those decisions. 

4. The media will decide who can take a medical time-out and when. 

Following on from the previous point, it's important to understand that just because a medical time-out has been allowed on court, it doesn't mean it should be allowed. The media will tell you when medical time-outs were legitimate or not. And they will not, under any circumstances, base their views on their personal likes or dislikes. Remember, the media don't play favorites or villains. Everyone is treated equally which is why we can trust them implicitly to give us the truth of every situation. 

5. The media will decide who is number one. 

Rankings? Rankings are just an objective points based system designed to favor players who gain more points than others. And we all agree that's just ridiculous. Why have an objective points based system when you can just have the subjective based opinions of the media to tell who is number one and who should be ranked here or there? I'm sure you agree. 

6. The media will complain about grunting.

Not all grunting, obviously. Just when the women do it. After all this is a subject that so seldom has light shed on it. Thankfully the media will bring it up at the start of every Grand Slam. It's not because some of the people in question don't have the creativity or talent to shed light on other issues in the game, or the willingness to, it's just so important. 

7. The media will not ask inane questions to players at press conferences.

This never happens. Every question a media member asks has been carefully thought out and should always be met by a lengthy and considered response. The idea that a player should have the right to be as snarky with the media as the media might often be with them is absurd. The media are angels. They would never twist the words of a player for the sake of re-tweets on Twitter. Re-tweets aren't the be all and end all, well...